I don’t like it one bit. It makes me nervous. Optimism makes me nervous. Cynicism has sort of been a comfortable distance from which to watch and mock this planetary mishmash of haphazard shenanigans. It affords me the assholishness that understands that nothing is really sacred, while simultaneously enjoying my self-imposed higher ground of pretending like I’m simply just a visitor on Earth. That I’m really not originally from this foolishness-ridden planet. This begs for clever puns on “resident alien.”

What I’m saying in a nutshell: I was watching Obama’s victory speech on Tuesday with a few friends, and lo and behold: I had to confront the fact that, goddamnit!, tears were welling up in my eyes. Was it because this man’s message of hope and change really has a chance of delivering the goods if he gets in the White House? Or is it because a little 4 year old black kid somewhere can now confidently say “I want to be President” without any derisive chuckles from peers? Maybe it was sheer joy at seeing Hillary get crushed. I wouldn’t trust that woman enough to lend her $10, much less run a whole country. Maybe it was just an amalgamate of a whole shopping list of items that I’ve wanted, but never thought would get around to getting. Regardless, I wasn’t the only one publicly reduced to tears on the evening of June 3rd.

(more…)

No, this is not a vodka advert. Although it should be.

I just had a slightly inebriated moment of clarity. Absolute truths do exist. Within context. Or, more specifically, within mutual context. Think of it as a Venn Diagram of two sets. Two sets of contexts, or truths. Of course, we can definitely go ahead and assume that the resulting subset could be one of of three things:

1. absolutely empty;
2. encompassing both sets; or
3. a minor subset

And, not unnaturally, my intuitive reaction was to think about how the legal system addresses this.

(more…)

“Just do your thing, man. It’s all yours,” he bellowed, dramatically gesticulating towards one empty white wall of his new condo’s dining room. It wasn’t furnished, yet. In fact, the place looked like it needed a lot of work. The wall-to-wall carpeting spanned the living and dining rooms, decorated with insolent stains and holes. The bedroom and bathroom to the side seemed limp, like paralyzed limbs dangling from their sockets.

I am still uneasy in my pretense. I am supposed to be an artist. Or some sort of person versed in visual creativity. It seems my visual creativity for most of my life may have consisted mostly of imagining the circumference of a random woman’s areola. Of course, that has its merits, too. Just not for a friend’s dining room mural.

(more…)

What the hell are cheetos made of? Really. Does anyone know? It’s just these neurotic looking fragile structures covered in yellow cheese fart. Besides, no two cheetos look exactly the same! If that’s not scary enough, I don’t know what is. Did the god of cheetos create them? Little Adam and eve cheetos populating the cheeto planet.

Then to make matters worse, the ingredients box lists the following after a lengthy confessional of esoteric chemical compounds:

- artificial coloring (yellow #6)

Wtf is that? A home depot color palette? On my food?

And then cheeto god sent his baby cheeto son Jesus (was he really yellow?) to save cheetomanity …

Here I come, cheeto hell!

she was a vegetarian. at least i thought she was. then she asked for chicken.

- i want chicken.
- you want what?
- chicken.
- what for?
- err …
- you mean like in a cage? like a pet?
- no. to eat it.

i gasp.

- you eat meat?

she slaps me.

(more…)