2008 is definitely proving to be an unkind year to the arts. I had barely come to terms with the death of George Carlin, when Isaac Hayes and Bernie Mac both took their exits in one weekend. And yesterday, I found out that the author of one of the most mind-blowing books had hung himself. David Foster Wallace, R.I.P.

A year ago, I was roaming the shelves at a local bookstore, when I stumbled upon a heavyweight monstrosity: Infinite Jest. I had heard of neither the author or the book, but for something written in the mid-90s, it seemed obscenely enormous. Weighing it at 1000+ pages, I knew my A.D.D and impatience would never let me finish the book. I walked over to the register, and the gentleman working the counter chuckled, saying “Good choice. Ambitious, but good choice. The footnotes are just as entertaining as the book.”

I chuckled back, pretending to know what he meant, paid for the book and walked out. I couldn’t fit the damn thing in my bag, so I had to carry this ogre of a book around for the rest of the afternoon.

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Why, oh why, is Chuck Norris’ opinion even entertained on Larry King? WHY? A left-over action hero from 70s/80s B-movies and 2am infomercials for exercise machines … that’s the guy who suddenly has a valid political opinion?

But it’s lovely how Arianna made him her own personal bitch.

That’s not the end of it, either. Chuck Moron has even written a book: Black Belt Patriotism: How to Reawaken America.

And Jesus wept.

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Let me get this straight: after months of mocking Obama’s hope/change rhetoric, Karl Rove’s little geriatric pet comes out on stage tonight and yelps about change and unity and hope? McCain used to be boring … with “more experience.” Now he got a rookie MILF next to him, and all of a sudden, these Republicunts are all in gasping for air, throwing their hands up in the air, catching a hissy fit about how McCain/Palin are the biggest mavericks since … err … Top Gun?! What the fuck is going on?  “Change is coming”? For real, Johnny boy? Honestly, the look on your face sort of made it look like even you couldn’t believe the words that were coming out of your mouth!

Obama went from galvanizing grandeur to addressing actual issues and policies … albeit by catapulting himself much farther to the right than what most Obama supports were initially comfortable with. There’s a lot of icky stuff with Obama that I still need to get off my chest … but I’ll get to that at a later time.

Inversely, McCain went from a PTSD-inflicted lump of wrinkles on the brink of death (by old age and bizarre skin peelage), flag-waving, mini-Bush … to … hm … some sort of agent of change? Wait … is he feminist now? If memory serves me right, he snapped at his wife and called her a “trollop” … and a “cunt.”

But now he’s a maverick! A feminist maverick! And so is Palin, who suddenly has “executive experience” and happens to be really good at “standing up.” And they both want in on this whole change phenomenon, damn it. He went from boring Bush-era policy wonk to … oratorial antics? And what’s up with the very undignified and unpresidential stiff-twitch geriatric spasm thing he does? Johnny Mac’s been sipping on some of Cindy’s botox? Yes? No? Maybe?

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It’s official: my sources for credible news reporting are now limited to Matt Taibbi (of Rolling Stone Magazine), Jon Stewart, and Stephen Colbert. And, it’s not exactly news that I would vote for Obama … if I could (Ah, sweet sweet INS!). But the lack of objective journalism is pretty revolting. Mainstream media, for all intents and purposes, will wrap its blabbering lips around the nutsacks of either David Axelrod, or Karl Rove … whomever one leaked a press release about having a fresh waxing done that week.  And no, I’m not necessarily putting those two maneuveristas on an even scale of evil … I’m sure Rove lubes up for Lucifer himself every night and actually enjoys it … but that’s a whole other ballgame. I could keep going with the juvenile wordplay, trust me. But, moving on …

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