I don’t like it one bit. It makes me nervous. Optimism makes me nervous. Cynicism has sort of been a comfortable distance from which to watch and mock this planetary mishmash of haphazard shenanigans. It affords me the assholishness that understands that nothing is really sacred, while simultaneously enjoying my self-imposed higher ground of pretending like I’m simply just a visitor on Earth. That I’m really not originally from this foolishness-ridden planet. This begs for clever puns on “resident alien.”

What I’m saying in a nutshell: I was watching Obama’s victory speech on Tuesday with a few friends, and lo and behold: I had to confront the fact that, goddamnit!, tears were welling up in my eyes. Was it because this man’s message of hope and change really has a chance of delivering the goods if he gets in the White House? Or is it because a little 4 year old black kid somewhere can now confidently say “I want to be President” without any derisive chuckles from peers? Maybe it was sheer joy at seeing Hillary get crushed. I wouldn’t trust that woman enough to lend her $10, much less run a whole country. Maybe it was just an amalgamate of a whole shopping list of items that I’ve wanted, but never thought would get around to getting. Regardless, I wasn’t the only one publicly reduced to tears on the evening of June 3rd.

The title of this blog says Obama “is killing” my cynicism. Not “has killed.” Notice the gerund form. So, best believe there’s still a considerable amount left. And that considerable amount of cynicism worries about what a single-term Senator can realistically deliver within his first term as President. I worry that he may buckle under pressure and fall for that over-botoxed whiny trollop’s cries of “I wanna be VP, guys! Me! Me! Me!” (That’s the assholishness I mentioned earlier). But then again, this is America, “land of mirages and camouflages,” and virtually anything, no matter how outrageous, is very much possible. Maybe the ET in me needs to phone home and jump on my spaceship, rip out the rear-view mirror, and just dip. Ya dig?

Moving on … I’ve had a moment of clarity, a fleeting flash of sheer genius. Ladies and gentlemen, I have finally figured out what I’d like to be when I grow up. Not just me, but something a lot of you earthlings on this planet should genuinely strive for:

I want to be a fartriloquist!

I know, that word doesn’t exist … yet. It’s just like “ventriloquist,” except we’re dealing with the projection of flatulence instead of the voice. Can you imagine the consequences and opportunities of this particular skill set? To be able to catapult an SBD across the hall and anonymously devastate a human cluster until it’s reduced into a coughing, wheezing, weeping bundle of olfactory disasters? That’s biological warfare for the new millenium … a stealth bomber without the budgetary crises and DOD red tape. The Carlyle Group would kill for this kind of innovation, people. Take heed. And work on your black bean intake. Which reminds me, Latin America would be the next global superpower, gas prices would drop enormously while the price tags on gas masks skyrocket exponentially. Fartriloquism, people. That’s the next big thing. Trust me, this is not just a brain fart.

And last, but not least, considering I’m already 5 days late on the Radio Elite Volume II, here’s a fly little midnight snack (courtesy of The Fader Magazine) to hold you for a few more days, while I finalize the mix:

Download: Round Table Knights Spring Mix (direct link) (zshare)

Yeasayer - Sunrise
Danny Gold - Throwdown (Pilooski Edit)
Comron - C64 Carat (Tom Trago Remix Instrumental)
Knight Acion - Single Girl
Panthers - Goblin City (Holy Ghost! Disco Dub)
K.I.M. - Party Machini (Emperor Machine Extended Mix)
Riva Starr - La Conga
Junior Boys - No Kinda Man (Jona Remix)
Le Le - Breakfast
Bart B More - Make Some Noise
South Rakkas Crew - Mad Again (Boy 8-Bit Remix)
Juice String - Sex Weed (Laidback Luke Remix)
Deadset - The Deacon
Matthew Dear - It’s Over Now
Dj Amazing Clay - Favela Funk Samba
El Guincho - Kalise
Woolfey - Odyssey
James Pants feat. Deon Davis - Crystal Lite
Michael Danna / DeVotchKa - The Winner Is
Robert Wyatt - A Beautiful Peace